Sunday, December 9, 2012

I Have a Surprise!

Few of you know the personal struggle I have had trying to deal with my papers (more recently, not the overall struggle). I saw all those girls who started their papers after me get their call before me, and it was a tough thing to swallow. To be honest, I probably felt a little abandoned by the Lord because I was feeling sorry for myself. I had finally learned what He wanted me to and I thought my papers were in when another surprise hit me: finding out they hadnt been submitted at all (this was a couple weeks ago: they are submitted!). This has been quite the roller coaster for me and I finally just broke down yesterday.

Yesterday was a moment in history that was extremely special, but more of a disappointment for me when I started to focus on myself. Yesterday was the day that all the Sister Missionaries in Rexburg met at the temple and took pictures for the First Presidency.

All these girls were talking about where they were going and when, and I just stood their awkwardly, not knowing when my call would ever arrive. I had a day of self absorption and pessimism, which I'm not proud of that. I started thinking about everything that was going wrong in my life. I looked at the pictures we took at the temple and I felt like I looked fat. All these 19 year olds that havent waited for years and years like I have already had their call. They knew what language they were going to speak and they could start to plan their lives until the day they left. Honestly, all my thoughts seem a little ridiculous now because of my new found knowledge (wait for it: I will reveal that knowledge), but at the time I was a little depressed. I didnt realize until today that Heavenly Father wanted me to learn one more thing: the power of prayer. I dont usually invest too much in prayer because I can usually do everything for myself. I pray morning and night but it is more of a conversation rather than "I desperately need your help." That changed two days ago when I started to feel so down. I just wanted to be comforted about my papers and waiting even longer than most people. I didnt want to feel like I was this horrible person because I needed to learn all these lessons before my mission while other people didnt. I earnestly prayed to learn whatever lesson it was that He wanted me to learn so that I could receive my call. I prayed for anything and everything I could think of to help me either be okay with waiting longer or to have a softened heart and a contrite spirit.

My prayer didnt seem to be answered until today, when I felt defeated. Isnt that always how it works? We stop trying and our prayers are answered? I was just going to stop thinking and talking about my mission all together when suddenly my bishop told me I WILL BE GETTING MY CALL THIS WEEK!!! I drove home not exactly sure how to feel. I was excited, but also nervous, and for some unknown reason I just wanted to cry. On the ride home, I gave over to all my emotions and screamed at the top of my lungs, cried uncontrollably, and laughed hysterically as I thanked Heavenly Father over and over again that I will finally know where I will be going. I'm actually glad that I went through this experience because it taught me to actually turn to Heavenly Father in my time of need. I cant do everything on my own, especially on a mission.

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