Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Life Changes Happen

I've been trying to figure out what I should do, or who I should tell about my week, and I finally came up with the idea to blog about it. I figure that only the people who care about me most will be the ones to read it, and those people are the only ones I want to know what happened, so here it is: My dad passed away on Sunday. I know this is going to be hard to believe, but I really am ok. He has been in ICU for about half a month, so I was prepared. I realize now that it was happening gradually, but Heavenly Father was helping me to forgive him and soften my heart toward him. My dad has never been a huge part of my life, which was my choice, but I love him all the same. He has taught me more than I think he even knew, and those life lessons will never change. When I was young, he would take me on father-daughter dates, which I adored. I loved being the center of attention to him, and that tradition will be something that carries on when I am married and have kids of my own. For those of you who do not know: my dad was 500 lbs, which is another reason I was prepared. I have been expecting this for years. A person cannot live the way he did and expect to live a normal life-span. I am especially grateful, though, to have the extra years that I have had with him.

I went to see him Sunday, and he was in extreme pain. He was unconscious most of the time I was there and he kept moving his head back and forth because of the pain from the tube helping him breathe. Before they took the tube out, they took him off sedation so that we could say goodbye and he would be able to understand us a little. I think what specifically made me okay with his passing was that as I was saying goodbye, I told him I was sorry. He had stopped shaking his head as I was talking to him and he was turned in my direction. I know he heard me tell him I loved him, and when I told him I was sorry, he had a tear escape his right eye. I had the distinct impression that that tear was his own apology. The most recent picture I have of my dad is when I was with him almost 4 years ago at my graduation. He looks like he has more years than the 49 he had lived (in this picture), but that is how I have always known him.