So I have quite a bit to talk
about and I already used quite a bit of my time reading emails because
the library's printer doesnt have ink: dumb. This week was guaranteed
the hardest of my life. I have been progressively feeling worse and
worse as my mission went on and each week we continually found but lost.
It was harder than I could understand before actually experiencing it. I
tried so hard to remind myself that a successful missionary is measured
by their commitment, but that made me feel worse at times. I tried to
push the feelings down and pretend to be happy, but as time was
progressing it seemed to press down on me and close me in. I broke down
to a point where I couldnt pick myself back up. I wasnt feeling any
amount of happiness and a new understanding of depression seemed to be
my outcome. It was horrible. I cant properly describe to you the
abounding amount of sadness that I felt because it is not properly
communicated with words. I dont know why it hit me so hard honestly,
because I have been focusing on others and I want this so bad for them. I
want them to experience the joy of having eternal families and knowing
that they will see their loved ones again. I wanted it all for them and I
didnt know how to help them understand that. I didnt know how to use
the scriptures as effectively as I felt I should know and I just wanted
to quit. I felt like if Heavenly Father took me now then I would be ok.
My family would never know that I was too weak or that I had failed. If
He wanted me now I was willing to go if something happened. I felt like
any other missionary would do a better job than I have been doing. I
dont tell you this so that you can feel sorry for me or that you can
feel like something you say would take away that burden: I tell you so
that you can understand the profound lesson that I have learned from my
Heavenly Father. I felt this way for all of Saturday and most of Sunday.
I couldnt bring myself to smile at church and pretend that I was ok
because I knew that if I showed any emotion I would cry (Mom stop
thinking about how dramatic I am and just listen because I know). This
was the beginning of my first lesson because for the first time in my
life I could feel the healing power of church. As Sacrament meeting
progressed and the talks were giving I could feel myself being healed. I
could literally feel myself growing spiritually closer to Christ. It
was an amazing experience that I wish I could properly convey, but these
weak words will have to do. I slowly got better as Gospel Principles
and Relief Society went on, but I still wasnt fully better. I could feel
that my depression was just under the surface and if I dwelt on it too
long then it would come back. I went through the day like I had all the
others, waiting until we got a break so that I could take a nap and
forget about how I was feeling and doing in the mission. We finally got a
break and I tried to sleep but it never fully came. I seemed to
unconsciously think about everything and everyone that we had met and I
had failed. I thought about Roy, and Amy. I thought about all the ones
that for some reason or another had not accepted it and I thought that I
had been here to help them. I could feel it. I was sent here to change
their lives and I didnt. They dont have the fullness of the gospel. I
read my scriptures and tried to chase away the demons, but the happiness
that I had once felt about missionary work seemed to elude me. Right
before that FANTASTIC missionary broadcast, the Relief Society president
was telling me how her daughter was having a super hard time in the MTC
one time and she was told by her teacher to take an hour to pray and
only tell Heavenly Father what she was thankful for; nothing else. Dont
ask Him for things, just say what you are thankful for. She did and she
said that the sadness she felt was gone the next day. I thought I should
do the same. I had exhausted all my other options, including pleading
for the Atonement to help me overcome this. My faith was lacking, but as
I prayed for that time and thought of all that He had blessed me with
and all that He has given my family, my friends, and my investigators: I
could feel the difference. I could feel a slight change in me. The
entire night I thought about what I have learned so far on my mission
and how far I have come (that was actually what I had dreamed about). I
thought about what I know and that is He is proud of me: I can feel
that. He loves me: I know that. This morning I woke up feeling like my
personal study should be spent reading my journal and notes from talks
that I have learned from. I should focus on having an ATTITUDE OF
GRATITUDE. The one thing I did ask for was to be blessed with the
miracle of never experiencing that feeling again. Never feeling so far
from Him and feeling so low that I couldnt pick myself up. If I never
experience another miracle on my mission I will still be happy to never
go through those feelings again. I know my purpose. I know why I am here
on this Earth and I know that this is His work and His glory.
So I should probably update
a little on the other work that has been going on in this physical place
rather than my crazy head. Brother Torres is not really going anywhere.
He hasnt attended church or kept our other commitments and he actually
just seems to want our company. We went by to see why he didnt come and
there was one point in the lesson where he told us that he didnt make
mistakes. I think it is very important to him that we think well of him,
so he wont tell us when he doesnt understand something or admit that he
is human: we decided that we couldnt trust him enough to continue
teaching him.
Victoria hasnt had a second
lesson and neither has Ashley (19 yr old with 3 kids). Victoria had to
work like crazy and Ashley is a little too spontaneous for her own good.
She just decided to pick up and live at a friends house for a week. Her
grandma says it is normal. Her grandma is an inactive catholic that we
actually went and did service for another day when we came back to see
Ashley but she wasnt there. We hope that something comes of it. I
testified of Joseph Smith and told her a little bit about our message
but I couldnt discern her response. We are planning on going back on
thursday so hopefully that will go well. We havent found anyone else,
but we did see Roy again yesterday. He seemed happier than a couple
weeks ago and he said that "Eventhough I didnt join ya'lls church, dont
think that you wasted your time." Pah. He thinks he is done with us. :)
He may not have joined it at this point in time, but I have no doubt
that he will join in the coming future. I still have hopes that he might
serve a mission, but those hopes arent as strong as they were when we
found him.
Anyway, I dont have much time,
but as an update: I dont have my visa yet, but transfers are not for
three more weeks. If I do get it within that time then I will leave, but
if not then I will wait 6 more weeks after next transfer. Our mission
president is changing this week, but that last one has experienced lots
of visa waiters and he said that he thinks I will go this transfer. He
doesnt think I will have to wait a whole other one. He said the record
for waiting is 5 months and that was to Brazil. Anyway, I have tons of
letters to write today so hopefully all who wrote me will get one. I
just need more time in a p-day!
My foot feels a lot better but I
am going to the pediatrist today. They threatened me with not going to
Argentina if I didnt make sure it was ok, so we have an appointment. I
am hoping it wont take long there but we all know how doctors can be. At
least this doctor is a member! Anyway, I love you all so much! I hope
that everything is going well.
Hermana Allen
